Wanted to drop a line to my few, but beloved readers:
Thank you for another year or reading Seraphim!
It’s been quite a year for me. I’ve started a new job, but had to leave it for medical reasons. It wasn’t easy to decide to do it. Some “medical” reasons are not so cut and dry as others. I think I made the right choice, though. The months since I left work have been hard, and healing, even harder. The road ahead feels just as long as what I’ve already been through but at least I’m on it.
I’ve made a lot of changes in my life this year. Small but meaningful changes. I’ve drastically changed my diet; deciding to cut out as much sugars and artificial things as I could. This ‘diet’ isn’t for a weight reason– I don’t really care about my weight– but I want to make sure that my healing goes through as many layers as I can. What’s the point of healing and mending one part of your life if the others are still shaky? It’d be like repairing only a singly wall of a home, while the others are still cracked and leaky.
I’ve changed my sleep schedule, forcing myself to try to sleep before I’m completely exhausted at 2am like I used to. I used to hate trying to fall asleep. It was always a struggle, so I’d stay up until I was completely exhausted and go to sleep then. Apparently that’s not very healthy, either. So now it’s a 10pm bedtime for me! It doesn’t always work and sometimes I still don’t fall asleep until after midnight, but knowing that I have a routine and that routine is conducive to a healthier lifestyle is a huge motivator!
I’ve been working through a lot of my past, and learning more about myself. You’d think at my age the past doesn’t really matter anymore. Adults aren’t supposed to be hung up on the mistakes of the past, but we are still the children we always were. I’ve been learning a lot about what makes me strong and where the holes in my armour are. I’ve been learning that a lot of the things I blamed myself for aren’t my fault. There are things I didn’t even know I blamed myself for. Life is complicated, but I’m working hard with a professional to try and figure it out.
I’ve distanced myself from those who drain my energies, and been trying hard to get closer to those who invigorate me. There are a ton of amazing people out there, and maybe I could be one of them! Maybe I could be considered an ‘amazing person’ by someone and they’ll want to be my friend. To do that I need to learn who I am, and I need to like that person. For me social interaction doesn’t come naturally. I had to spend a long time in my late teens learning how to hold a conversation, how not to use my wit meanly, how to speak my opinions with confidence, how not to manipulate or dominate a discussion. How to make new friends.
I’ve made some new friends this year, too. I’ve made the effort to reach out to acquaintances and say “Let’s hang out!”. People I’ve met at conventions or through work. I took control and tried. Not all of them worked. Not all of them wanted to become my friends, and not all of them I wanted to become closer with. Some worked better than others, but none of them were failures. I did this. Me. I tried. The old saying “If at first you don’t succeed, try again” isn’t always right. Sometimes just trying is pretty impressive, when it is something you’d have otherwise never tried.
This year has been crazy and hard and challanging, but it’s also been a step towards a better tomorrow. I don’t have all the answers now, I haven’t even finished asking all the questions. I haven’t got it all figured out and there are a lot of really tough things ahead.
But I’m learning that I’m not alone. That “being alone” isn’t always the “strong” option. We’re taught that sometimes in our lives. That’s not true. We are social creatures. We crave meaningful connections to others.
The road ahead might be just as long as the road I’ve already travelled. Heck, overcoming these challenges isn’t the end of any road. It’s just a new road that starts from a better place.
Take care of yourselves, dear readers. Seraphimis looking towards another year of friendships, adventures, love and courage. Aren’t we all?
Merry Christmas, and a happy new year,